The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
