At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
