So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
