you would pick up someone in the library
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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