I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
