Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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