Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
