I look better un-naked...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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