I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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