god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
