there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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