Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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