I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i think i just lost a toe
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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