Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
