I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
