Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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