So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
