CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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