I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize