I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
