my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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