Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
