if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
