You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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