hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
