When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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