You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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