I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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