How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
