dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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