apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize