I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
