I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
