We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I want to make a zoo with you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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