I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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