I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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