Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
