You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Couch. On fire.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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