Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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