Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
