I puked a lego.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize