I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
