Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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