Your dad touched me again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize