im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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