i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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