I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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