If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize