you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
