i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
