Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize