I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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