She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
