My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
