I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
