we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
