Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
