Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I accidentally burped into my bong.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
