i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
