I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
