Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
