So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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