i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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