Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
