you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
