life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
