If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
